Hair Envy

I have a dream of long red hair. I have the red part down. As for the long part... I'm working on it.

I stumbled upon this...

Life is too short
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness
Laugh when you can
Apologize when you should
And let go of what you can't change

Love deeply
And forgive quickly
Take chances
Give everything
And have no regrets

Life is too short to be unhappy
You have to take the good with the bad
Smile when you're sad
Love what you've got
And always remember what you had

Always forgive
But never forget
Learn from your mistakes
But never regret

People change
And things go wrong
But always remember
Life goes on

I'm alone on the journey, I'm alive none the less...

I wish that someone could draw me a map. To show the end of this part of my life is, and the beginning of the next. I feel so out of it. So incomplete. So lost. I just want to feel better so badly. Nothing feels quite real. It's like grasping at the wind. I can feel it, I can see the effects it is having, but I can never hold on to it. I am so angry with myself. I want to be stronger. I want to move on, but I am stuck.

I am trapped and I cannot breath.

It's like my soul has been damaged. Maybe it has. I have never had such fluctuating emotions. Honestly, some days I feel as if it is possible to move on. That this will be a learning experience, and even though I have been hurt and will carry the scars of this wound for the rest of my life, I will carry on. Other days the outlook is not quite so optimistic. I feel like no one understands. I have been betrayed by the only man I have ever loved. How do you move on from that? How do you ever trust anyone ever again? Are these not legitimate questions? I think I may be in a particularly somber mood because I just watched Wuthering Heights, and the day as a whole was fairly lonely.

Hopefully tomorrow this darkness will open up to some lighter days. I wish I was able to write more during those days, but for some reason the times that I am drawn to write down my feelings the most are when I am upset and feeling out of hope.

Please bear with my sadness, I know it cannot last forever. It's a strange thing to know that this kind of pain fades with time, but to feel as if it never will. It's like my brain and my heart are contradicting one another. I keep writing, yet I don't seem to have the words to express myself properly. So I suppose I will stop for now.

I am so much more frightened than I have let on.

In contrast...

I can say that yesterday started out to be pretty bad (since I did make a whole blog about it) but despite that I decided that I didn't want it to end badly. Right when I got off work I headed over to Michaels to get a sketch book so I could start art journaling.

When I got home I cleaned my apartment to make it feel fresh. I have a really hard time working on anything from homework to art when the house is a mess. I turned on my current obsession on Netflix which is the BBC version of Robin Hood.



After I got settled in I pulled out all of my scrapbooking stuff. This was a big step for me, I haven't touched any of it since he left. It's like it resembled all of the good that we had, because that was all I scrapbooked about and now that is all different. Ashley has told me a million times that I need to scrap the bad stuff to. That it helps. I just kept avoiding it because I seriously didn't think I was strong enough to do it. To think about all of it and be able to make anything beautiful or inspiring out of the situation. Well thanks to my new printer and the help of my ever growing inspiration folder I was able to do 6 pages. That is a lot for me. It felt good. I think I might do some more tonight. As well as some homework... but that can wait, right?

Here are a few of my favorites.

Sometimes things don't work the way you want...

I have had all of these plans for this inspiring (mostly for myself) post about how I will not be pushed down. I have endured everything and will come out a better and stronger person. However, today I am feeling the exact opposite. I am feeling beat down and damaged beyond repair.

The mornings are a strange in between. I usually am not upset and crying anymore, just more numb. The thing that bothers me most is that I can't get up until I absolutely have to. I will stay in bed often till 2 pm. I will get up to grab a quick snack and just crawl back into bed to get under the covers and try and sleep the day away. It usually doesn't work. I am awake nearly the whole time I am in bed. Netflix has become my best friend. Helps pass the time.

This morning was stranger than most. I had a dream that he came back to me. I haven't had one of those yet. I have had the horrible, he has moved on and will never think of me again dreams. Never have I had one with a happy ending to the situation and it made me more sad than any of the others. The weird thing about it was that I didn't cry. I haven't cried in days. It's like all of the tears that I have for him have been used and I'm not allowed to shed another. I know for sure this isn't true, but it has been 6 days and that is a record.

I got up around noon (only because I had to be at work at 1) and got to work only to find out that next month I have very few hours and also got yelled at for something so so ridiculous. So this has all added up to me sitting at the desk, with headphones in, music up loud, and not saying a word. This is not me. I am talkative. I don't like to be really down at work. It just makes time pass slower and makes things awkward. I am not feeling like myself. I am feeling empty and alone. I could not sound more pathetic right now, but I guess it is better to write it out. Hopefully it will help the feeling pass.

Ashley has suggested that I start a art journal. I think I might do that.

I have to keep moving forward. Being stuck in this is killing me.

awww....

I think I might need this mammal. It is the cutest puppy I have ever seen. I want him.

Please.