Sometimes things don't work the way you want...

I have had all of these plans for this inspiring (mostly for myself) post about how I will not be pushed down. I have endured everything and will come out a better and stronger person. However, today I am feeling the exact opposite. I am feeling beat down and damaged beyond repair.

The mornings are a strange in between. I usually am not upset and crying anymore, just more numb. The thing that bothers me most is that I can't get up until I absolutely have to. I will stay in bed often till 2 pm. I will get up to grab a quick snack and just crawl back into bed to get under the covers and try and sleep the day away. It usually doesn't work. I am awake nearly the whole time I am in bed. Netflix has become my best friend. Helps pass the time.

This morning was stranger than most. I had a dream that he came back to me. I haven't had one of those yet. I have had the horrible, he has moved on and will never think of me again dreams. Never have I had one with a happy ending to the situation and it made me more sad than any of the others. The weird thing about it was that I didn't cry. I haven't cried in days. It's like all of the tears that I have for him have been used and I'm not allowed to shed another. I know for sure this isn't true, but it has been 6 days and that is a record.

I got up around noon (only because I had to be at work at 1) and got to work only to find out that next month I have very few hours and also got yelled at for something so so ridiculous. So this has all added up to me sitting at the desk, with headphones in, music up loud, and not saying a word. This is not me. I am talkative. I don't like to be really down at work. It just makes time pass slower and makes things awkward. I am not feeling like myself. I am feeling empty and alone. I could not sound more pathetic right now, but I guess it is better to write it out. Hopefully it will help the feeling pass.

Ashley has suggested that I start a art journal. I think I might do that.

I have to keep moving forward. Being stuck in this is killing me.