I am so much more frightened than I have let on.

In contrast...

I can say that yesterday started out to be pretty bad (since I did make a whole blog about it) but despite that I decided that I didn't want it to end badly. Right when I got off work I headed over to Michaels to get a sketch book so I could start art journaling.

When I got home I cleaned my apartment to make it feel fresh. I have a really hard time working on anything from homework to art when the house is a mess. I turned on my current obsession on Netflix which is the BBC version of Robin Hood.



After I got settled in I pulled out all of my scrapbooking stuff. This was a big step for me, I haven't touched any of it since he left. It's like it resembled all of the good that we had, because that was all I scrapbooked about and now that is all different. Ashley has told me a million times that I need to scrap the bad stuff to. That it helps. I just kept avoiding it because I seriously didn't think I was strong enough to do it. To think about all of it and be able to make anything beautiful or inspiring out of the situation. Well thanks to my new printer and the help of my ever growing inspiration folder I was able to do 6 pages. That is a lot for me. It felt good. I think I might do some more tonight. As well as some homework... but that can wait, right?

Here are a few of my favorites.

Sometimes things don't work the way you want...

I have had all of these plans for this inspiring (mostly for myself) post about how I will not be pushed down. I have endured everything and will come out a better and stronger person. However, today I am feeling the exact opposite. I am feeling beat down and damaged beyond repair.

The mornings are a strange in between. I usually am not upset and crying anymore, just more numb. The thing that bothers me most is that I can't get up until I absolutely have to. I will stay in bed often till 2 pm. I will get up to grab a quick snack and just crawl back into bed to get under the covers and try and sleep the day away. It usually doesn't work. I am awake nearly the whole time I am in bed. Netflix has become my best friend. Helps pass the time.

This morning was stranger than most. I had a dream that he came back to me. I haven't had one of those yet. I have had the horrible, he has moved on and will never think of me again dreams. Never have I had one with a happy ending to the situation and it made me more sad than any of the others. The weird thing about it was that I didn't cry. I haven't cried in days. It's like all of the tears that I have for him have been used and I'm not allowed to shed another. I know for sure this isn't true, but it has been 6 days and that is a record.

I got up around noon (only because I had to be at work at 1) and got to work only to find out that next month I have very few hours and also got yelled at for something so so ridiculous. So this has all added up to me sitting at the desk, with headphones in, music up loud, and not saying a word. This is not me. I am talkative. I don't like to be really down at work. It just makes time pass slower and makes things awkward. I am not feeling like myself. I am feeling empty and alone. I could not sound more pathetic right now, but I guess it is better to write it out. Hopefully it will help the feeling pass.

Ashley has suggested that I start a art journal. I think I might do that.

I have to keep moving forward. Being stuck in this is killing me.

awww....

I think I might need this mammal. It is the cutest puppy I have ever seen. I want him.

Please.

Things can still take my breath away...

This image literally made me gasp. I wish I could live in this room, or maybe just visit, or even see it for a moment in real life. A world away from where I am. In a place where nature is coupled with books and the only possible result is breathtaking.

I read Dear John this weekend. It reminded me how much I really like Nicholas Sparks and his ability to make you care about people so intensely. I think it is important to venture off into a make believe world where you don't have to invest in your own life but can care only about the characters on the page.

I wish I had more time to do such things, I have hundreds of books that are waiting to be read and I would love nothing more than to escape into each one of them.

Unfortunately, I have to spend so much time in books that are not of my choosing. Right now I am reading The English Heritage, which is an in-depth history of England. Normally this would be very interesting, but somehow it is like torture to read. I love my majors and want nothing more than to be more educated in History and Political Science. Right now, this is not as fun as it usually would be.

I told someone today that I wished I could throw myself into school. Make it the only thing that I cared about. Give it the kind of hard work and dedication that some are able to give. That maybe if I was able to give myself over to my school work it would help to keep my mind off of everything. I know that the good grades would be the result, but I can't decide if this would be a way of avoiding the feelings that must be examined.

I am a bucket, that can't be poured out.

Oh Lady...

Well I love Lady Gaga. I think she is just the perfect amount of crazy, which can been seen as genius. Here music is catchy and fun, and she just doesn't give a shit about what other people think. Her fashion is more out there than anyone I have ever seen, and I love her for it. She is a role model to women. She is strong, independent, and successful, all while being true to herself.

Some people love her, other truly hate her. Her music is sexual and she will not apologize for it. This is another thing that I find inspiring for her. While I may not agree with the idea of unattached sex, she refuses to let other tell her what to think and believe. For many this is such a foreign concept. One must be everything that society tells them to be, and they spend their entire lives trying to live up to this stereotypical ideal of what a women should be.

Anyways. Lady Gaga. Love her.

You can take back your memories, they're no good to me

Although I wish the feeling was gone, it is still there. Everyday. I want to fill it. However, it is a deep void.

Time, time, time

I wish to sleep and let the time pass. Apparently, this is not allowed.

Holy cow...

I can't believe how beautiful this is. I have no idea where it is from or how to get it, but I am in love with it.

At the art gallery where I work they have a weekly bookbinding class, I am really excited to get a chance to take it. I got to take a look at the kind of stuff that they make and it is really beautiful. I think I am going to go make a trip to local thrift stores this weekend to find some old books. I think it will be really neat to find some with interesting cover and make them into something new.

Things have been getting a little bit better as time passes. The pain isn't so fresh. The nights aren't quite as long. It's interesting how things and people change. Five months ago I would have never thought that my life would be the way it is. However I am seeing new opportunity opening up.

Small steps, every day, small steps.