Hair Envy

I have a dream of long red hair. I have the red part down. As for the long part... I'm working on it.

I stumbled upon this...

Life is too short
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness
Laugh when you can
Apologize when you should
And let go of what you can't change

Love deeply
And forgive quickly
Take chances
Give everything
And have no regrets

Life is too short to be unhappy
You have to take the good with the bad
Smile when you're sad
Love what you've got
And always remember what you had

Always forgive
But never forget
Learn from your mistakes
But never regret

People change
And things go wrong
But always remember
Life goes on

I'm alone on the journey, I'm alive none the less...

I wish that someone could draw me a map. To show the end of this part of my life is, and the beginning of the next. I feel so out of it. So incomplete. So lost. I just want to feel better so badly. Nothing feels quite real. It's like grasping at the wind. I can feel it, I can see the effects it is having, but I can never hold on to it. I am so angry with myself. I want to be stronger. I want to move on, but I am stuck.

I am trapped and I cannot breath.

It's like my soul has been damaged. Maybe it has. I have never had such fluctuating emotions. Honestly, some days I feel as if it is possible to move on. That this will be a learning experience, and even though I have been hurt and will carry the scars of this wound for the rest of my life, I will carry on. Other days the outlook is not quite so optimistic. I feel like no one understands. I have been betrayed by the only man I have ever loved. How do you move on from that? How do you ever trust anyone ever again? Are these not legitimate questions? I think I may be in a particularly somber mood because I just watched Wuthering Heights, and the day as a whole was fairly lonely.

Hopefully tomorrow this darkness will open up to some lighter days. I wish I was able to write more during those days, but for some reason the times that I am drawn to write down my feelings the most are when I am upset and feeling out of hope.

Please bear with my sadness, I know it cannot last forever. It's a strange thing to know that this kind of pain fades with time, but to feel as if it never will. It's like my brain and my heart are contradicting one another. I keep writing, yet I don't seem to have the words to express myself properly. So I suppose I will stop for now.

I am so much more frightened than I have let on.

In contrast...

I can say that yesterday started out to be pretty bad (since I did make a whole blog about it) but despite that I decided that I didn't want it to end badly. Right when I got off work I headed over to Michaels to get a sketch book so I could start art journaling.

When I got home I cleaned my apartment to make it feel fresh. I have a really hard time working on anything from homework to art when the house is a mess. I turned on my current obsession on Netflix which is the BBC version of Robin Hood.



After I got settled in I pulled out all of my scrapbooking stuff. This was a big step for me, I haven't touched any of it since he left. It's like it resembled all of the good that we had, because that was all I scrapbooked about and now that is all different. Ashley has told me a million times that I need to scrap the bad stuff to. That it helps. I just kept avoiding it because I seriously didn't think I was strong enough to do it. To think about all of it and be able to make anything beautiful or inspiring out of the situation. Well thanks to my new printer and the help of my ever growing inspiration folder I was able to do 6 pages. That is a lot for me. It felt good. I think I might do some more tonight. As well as some homework... but that can wait, right?

Here are a few of my favorites.

Sometimes things don't work the way you want...

I have had all of these plans for this inspiring (mostly for myself) post about how I will not be pushed down. I have endured everything and will come out a better and stronger person. However, today I am feeling the exact opposite. I am feeling beat down and damaged beyond repair.

The mornings are a strange in between. I usually am not upset and crying anymore, just more numb. The thing that bothers me most is that I can't get up until I absolutely have to. I will stay in bed often till 2 pm. I will get up to grab a quick snack and just crawl back into bed to get under the covers and try and sleep the day away. It usually doesn't work. I am awake nearly the whole time I am in bed. Netflix has become my best friend. Helps pass the time.

This morning was stranger than most. I had a dream that he came back to me. I haven't had one of those yet. I have had the horrible, he has moved on and will never think of me again dreams. Never have I had one with a happy ending to the situation and it made me more sad than any of the others. The weird thing about it was that I didn't cry. I haven't cried in days. It's like all of the tears that I have for him have been used and I'm not allowed to shed another. I know for sure this isn't true, but it has been 6 days and that is a record.

I got up around noon (only because I had to be at work at 1) and got to work only to find out that next month I have very few hours and also got yelled at for something so so ridiculous. So this has all added up to me sitting at the desk, with headphones in, music up loud, and not saying a word. This is not me. I am talkative. I don't like to be really down at work. It just makes time pass slower and makes things awkward. I am not feeling like myself. I am feeling empty and alone. I could not sound more pathetic right now, but I guess it is better to write it out. Hopefully it will help the feeling pass.

Ashley has suggested that I start a art journal. I think I might do that.

I have to keep moving forward. Being stuck in this is killing me.

awww....

I think I might need this mammal. It is the cutest puppy I have ever seen. I want him.

Please.

Things can still take my breath away...

This image literally made me gasp. I wish I could live in this room, or maybe just visit, or even see it for a moment in real life. A world away from where I am. In a place where nature is coupled with books and the only possible result is breathtaking.

I read Dear John this weekend. It reminded me how much I really like Nicholas Sparks and his ability to make you care about people so intensely. I think it is important to venture off into a make believe world where you don't have to invest in your own life but can care only about the characters on the page.

I wish I had more time to do such things, I have hundreds of books that are waiting to be read and I would love nothing more than to escape into each one of them.

Unfortunately, I have to spend so much time in books that are not of my choosing. Right now I am reading The English Heritage, which is an in-depth history of England. Normally this would be very interesting, but somehow it is like torture to read. I love my majors and want nothing more than to be more educated in History and Political Science. Right now, this is not as fun as it usually would be.

I told someone today that I wished I could throw myself into school. Make it the only thing that I cared about. Give it the kind of hard work and dedication that some are able to give. That maybe if I was able to give myself over to my school work it would help to keep my mind off of everything. I know that the good grades would be the result, but I can't decide if this would be a way of avoiding the feelings that must be examined.

I am a bucket, that can't be poured out.

Oh Lady...

Well I love Lady Gaga. I think she is just the perfect amount of crazy, which can been seen as genius. Here music is catchy and fun, and she just doesn't give a shit about what other people think. Her fashion is more out there than anyone I have ever seen, and I love her for it. She is a role model to women. She is strong, independent, and successful, all while being true to herself.

Some people love her, other truly hate her. Her music is sexual and she will not apologize for it. This is another thing that I find inspiring for her. While I may not agree with the idea of unattached sex, she refuses to let other tell her what to think and believe. For many this is such a foreign concept. One must be everything that society tells them to be, and they spend their entire lives trying to live up to this stereotypical ideal of what a women should be.

Anyways. Lady Gaga. Love her.

You can take back your memories, they're no good to me

Although I wish the feeling was gone, it is still there. Everyday. I want to fill it. However, it is a deep void.

Time, time, time

I wish to sleep and let the time pass. Apparently, this is not allowed.

Holy cow...

I can't believe how beautiful this is. I have no idea where it is from or how to get it, but I am in love with it.

At the art gallery where I work they have a weekly bookbinding class, I am really excited to get a chance to take it. I got to take a look at the kind of stuff that they make and it is really beautiful. I think I am going to go make a trip to local thrift stores this weekend to find some old books. I think it will be really neat to find some with interesting cover and make them into something new.

Things have been getting a little bit better as time passes. The pain isn't so fresh. The nights aren't quite as long. It's interesting how things and people change. Five months ago I would have never thought that my life would be the way it is. However I am seeing new opportunity opening up.

Small steps, every day, small steps.

I don't know what to say...

I've been telling myself I need to blog. That it is healthy and it will help me feel better. However, every time I sit down and pull up this box the emptiness frightens me. I end up looking at it for a while and decide that my words aren't enough to fill it.

Today I found something that inspired me and made me feel at least a little better. Beautiful words with beautiful pictures to accompany them.

It makes me feel like I am not alone in all of this craziness and sorrow. That other people are feeling and hurting the same way I am. Maybe that's okay. Maybe, this will only make me stronger. Maybe, I will make it out of this alive.









On a less depressing side note. I am in love with this beautiful Juicy Couture bow ring. My birthday is soon. It would be the most lovely post break up/promise you will be better ring.

This is my life...

Blah... is generally my mood right now. It's a little hard to look at the big picture of my life when I am so intently staring at this terrible little bit.

I imagine that with time things will get easier... at least that is what everyone tells me.

Right now I am just trying to keep myself crazy busy. Crafting, homework, spending time with friends, heading to Seattle this weekend, everything I can do to keep myself from being home to much. The nights are hard.

Last night I was so very proud of myself. I made a laptop sleeve, myself (kinda) and it turned out cute and functional. I also dyed my hair, which I have been wanting to do for weeks now.

I went and saw The Lovely Bones this week, sadly it was disappointing. I guess I thought it was going to be more, and that it left the parts that I found the most interesting from the book out of the movie. Peter Jackson seems to have missed it a little bit with this one, but I suppose I can forgive him since he gave me Lord of the Rings. Hahaha.

I have some plans to make a piece of word art. I have seen these floating around the internet and I think they are so inspiring. I want to put a quote from the song I have on repeat pretty much all of the time. Something to remind me in the morning that everything will be okay, and that life won't always be this hard.

One a different note, I would like to say that I possibly have the best friend in the world. Ashley has been there for me from the first day all of this bad business started. She has reassured me and held me up in times where I felt like there was no place to go but down. She has kept me company when I didn't know how to be alone. She made me a part of her family and showed me that love is not something you have to beg for. I don't know how I would have made it through any of this without her support.

Kind of a random and jumbled post but that is basically how I think right now, random and jumbled.

Frodoette!

I saw that Danielle of Sometimes Sweet posted her high school celebrity crush and I thought I would do the same.

When I started to think about who my crush was I couldn't remember. Then like a light bulb going off in my head it came to me. How could I ever forget my amazing love for Elijah Wood. I had the ultimate girly crush on him. It was definitely all due to Lord of the Rings and the illogical obsession that I had for the movies, books, and everything else that was in the least bit associated with Tolkien.






I still have this obsession with Lord of the Rings. I own 3 versions of each movie (theatrical, extended, and a combination) I have also started a collection of Lord of the Rings books. None of mine are of any true value but they mean a lot to me and every time I see one at a used book store or thrift shop I can't help but pick it up. I really hope that one day I am fortunate enough to own a first edition of the books. This is a insane dream, but I think that sometimes that's okay.

My current crush would have to be... Callum Blue. I am a sucker for a good English accent. I could just melt.

Memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun...

My life has made a dramatic change...

I have been spending the last few days moving around my apartment and cleaning stuff out. I can honestly say it is the weirdest thing in the world to be putting all of his stuff in a bedroom so I don't have to see it anymore. It's like something will sneak up on me and I will have a sudden break down. So to handle everything better I thought I should just put it somewhere I don't have to look at it until it is gone.

In honor of the tragically bad mood I have been in I will leave you with some amazing images I have found around the internet featuring the word 'fuck'.

Sometimes...

There are times when I think that the only reason I read other people blogs is because I see their happy lives and wish I could place myself in them. Maybe if I had a happy blog about how in love I am and how great my life is, than my love-life would not be in critical condition and my life would be better. This however is quite ridiculous.

I am sad today. This is my truth. I am scared to go home where everything will turn back. I prefer the facade, it is easier. While the truth is hard, it is indeed what is true. I must accept it and decided what to do about it. Pretending the problem isn't as big as it is will not help.

I am sad today, hopefully tomorrow I will feel just a bit better.

Waiting...

Today is my dad's birthday. For some reason is I'm just in a blah mood. I am waiting for Dan to get ready, then we are going to go Avatar. I really hope I am in a better mood by the time of his surprise party. Here are some pretties I found while waiting ...

Love.

The Lone Star State.

This year for Christmas, Dan and I headed south to Texas. My family moved here shortly after I left for college and I haven't had a chance to come down and see their new home. They live right outside of Dallas so there is quite a bit to see and do down here.

This was the approach over Denver. The snow is so pretty when you don't have to deal with it and you can just look at it.
Although I almost never drink Ginger Ale at home, it is the only thing I get when flying. I guess it's a sort of tradition. It calms my nerves... now that I am of age I could get something a little stronger, but I think I will stay with my Ginger Ale.
Before we left we had done absolutely no christmas shopping. I figured since we were going to be in Dallas there would be a lot more to offer than little Moscow Idaho. The problem is I did a lot of looking for myself and had a hard time concentrating on what I should get everyone else. I did find these amazing shoes. I couldn't get them (to expensive) but I am still in love with them. I wish I could go back and get them.

I also found these hilarious cat bookends. I could only think of one person when I saw them... the lovely Ashley Reynolds.
Dan finally found an Irish driving hat that has taken him years to find. Of all places we got it at Target. I think he looks quite handsome in all of is Irishness.
On Christmas eve my nephew Landon and I made cookies for Santa. We got to do this last year on Christmas eve and it was nice to be able to continue our little tradition together. He had a ton of fun being able to mix the ingredients, cutting out the cookies, and putting flour all over my face.
Once they were done we decorated them and picked out a few to leave for Santa. The icing kind of ran together so our designs didn't turn out that well... but I don't think anybody cared.
Landon was super excited for Christmas and was actually happy to get into bed because he knew in the morning Christmas presents would be there.


This shirt reads "God save the boobies" Dan really wanted it, so here it is.

Christmas was really nice. I got these beautiful mittens from my sister and the cute plaid hat from Dan.
Later that week we went bowling. After bowling Dan and my dad played a couple of games of pool.

We also went to a few amazing record stores. This one here had absolutely no organization and when I asked the guy how to find things he said it was a combination of luck and patience. We ended up not finding much at this store but went to another one called Forever Young and found quite a few very good albums.
Dan pointed out that every vacation that we go on we end up going to Ikea and this trip was no different. It was a little bitter sweet since we knew we couldn't get anything (since we couldn't exactly bring it back on the plane with us) but it was still cool to see all of the stuff that Ikea has to offer.
On our way home we saw this mass of birds. I mean there must of been a 100,000 thousand birds all moving together. I was really freaked out, but everyone else wanted to get out of the car to get a better look at them.

Other than the big things I have been loving my sisters Kindle. It is the coolest piece of technology and I really want to get one.
This is also the find of our trip. I was looking for wallets every where and when we went to Urban Outfitter I was disappointed I couldn't find one there either. Then Dan comes up to me and says do you like this one. It is so pretty and I am so happy that he found it because I was ready to give up.

Well we only have a few days left, but they look to be eventful. My dad's 50th birthday, Six Flags, and this neat exhibit of human bodies. Hopefully it will be a lot of fun.

Love.